I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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