I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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