remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
