i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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