You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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