just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize