Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm gonna have a badass scar
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
