Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
