The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
