I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
