just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
