i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
