When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
