No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
