eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
