I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
