I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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