I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
