I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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