No stitches, just platelets and will power
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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