matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
