I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
