i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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