I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
MIDGETS
????
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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