I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
