i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize