YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
