Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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