Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
