Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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