Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
