It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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