Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just gargled with NyQuil
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize