In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
