Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize