Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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