It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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