What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
