i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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