You smell like stripper and shame
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I party with great urgency now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
