He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
