I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
