my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
