I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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