Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
