he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We had to coat check the pizza.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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