I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
