i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
