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• (901): View more from Tennessee

  He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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• (818): View more from California

  Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.

  Fav 4 1361 739

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

  Fav 4 2496 842

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• (941): View more from Florida

  Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.

  Fav 2 365 813

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.

  Fav 3 712 448

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.

  Fav 1 242 401

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.

  Fav 0 174 94

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