Please don't use social media to get back at me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
