you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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