I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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