hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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