i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
