He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
