You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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