I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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