i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
