She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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