So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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