White coat. Heels.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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