I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
