Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
they're like a gay fantastic four
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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