Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
