last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
